Today i’m pulling back the curtain on the second aspect that goes into building an offline presence.
I’m doing this 4 part series on growing your offline presence because my offline presence has been the thing that’s helped me stay offline for nearly 9 years now. I’ve been able to build my life in a way that’s fulfilling offline where i don’t need social media to fulfill any social or personal needs for me. And if you’re listening you’re most likely someone who’s interested or has already taken the leap offline- so this is the perfect series for you to give you new perspective on life offline and how you can build your presence offline in a way that’s fulfilling for you in your life and hopefully help you in your pursuit toward embracing life offline.
If you didn’t catch last weeks episode I went over the first aspect that you’ll want to make sure to start building with before anything else so i’ll leave a link in the show notes to this episode.
I also want to invite you to join my free community “offline- the community” where you can finally connect with people who share the common goal of living life offline and all the struggles and wins that come along the journey. I’d love you to join us inside the community as we go through this building your presence series over the next 4 weeks, as i’ll be active in there sharing and challenging you to take specific actions as we unlock a new aspect of building your offline presence and it’ll give you the chance to do this alongside other listeners from all corners of the world as we come together in this common goal of living offline and building our offline presence!
You can us join HERE!
Aspect #2
Now let’s get right into aspect #2 to growing your offline presence.
Your presence with others.
This is your circle. This is your family, your friends, your peers, and strangers even.
This is such an important aspect of course all of them are but this specifically because one of the most common reasons i hear people bring up when they want to leave social media but they haven tyet or they’ve tried and have not lasted long is because of loneliness.
We’ve become accustom to connecting online. To liking posts. To following someone to essentially be the ask can we be friends?
The problem with this is that it allows the connection with this person to stay online. How many people do you follow online where you actually connect with them after the friend request? Suddenly you’re part of their world and you can get to know them through looking though their profile and then you can like posts etc and you can stay “connected”
You have 400 friends online who we feel some sort of connection to because we see the “behind the scenes’ of their life through stories etc. we see posts of their family of their intimate moments and so we feel like we know them and we feel like they care about us too somehow.
And THAT is the problem. That’s not fulfilling connection. It doesn’t feel the same as calling or texting even someone to get together, then you meet in person and you ask about their life to get to know them. There’s no preconceived notions etc. you have to form an opinion without judging from their online presence and that’s one of the things i love very most!
Today we’re going to get detailed about growing your presence with others, offline and here’s what we’re about to get into:
- Understanding your social needs individually.
- Starting from scratch, how to fill your circle whether that’s small or big
- Nurturing who you already have, how to establish new kinds of presences with these people after knowing your needs
- Lastly we’ll set up expectations moving forward for yourself
Now let’s go into depth starting with point number 1.
Understanding YOUR social needs, individually
1. Understanding YOUR social needs individually
You might see someone online and think that you don’t have any friends cause look their out with their gal pals etc. They’re running with their crew. And you’re alone and you have maybe one friend.
I’ll be honest i am the type of person who doesn’t need a lot of close friends. A handful or less is good for me. I dont ‘have a crew or a group that i get together with often i prefer one on one connection and going deep there. I don’t really like groups.
I’ve always been this way, i’ve never had a group of girls that i would hangout with since even when i was young. I usually had 1 best friend and i would hop between friend groups i didnt belong in one group i would just go hang with the people i wanted to be around for that time and then on to the next group the next week i had a lot of friends but only one or two close friends.
I’m also very independent. I don’t need to talk to people everyday i have my husband wo i my best friend and so because i see him everyday and i can talk his ear off when he’s trying to fall asleep at the end of the day i’m sure that has to do with the fact that i don’t feel like i have to call a friend everyday.
So if you’re unsure about what your social needs are but if you’re unsure i’d start by thinking about when you were younger, what did your social situation look like and was it fulfilling for you i important to point out here.
If you think about your social circle when you were young- and it brings back feelings of loneliness and feelings you dont want to revisit- know that you can reinvent your social situation and you can design your social life in a way that feels fulfilling to you even if you havent been able to figure out how to do so yet up to this point in your life, youre in control of what your social life turns out to be- so have the open mind that if things haven tbeen great in the past that doest mean it has to be that way forever.
SO i encourage you to ask yourself and analyze, what do YOU need from friendships/relationships? It doesn’t have to be like anyone else’s.. Its going to be totally unique to you. If you love a group of people and like to be with lots of people all the time, those are the types of groups you should be seeking to find or to build.
Step 2: Building your presence with others-from scratch
Alright now step # 2 inside building your presence with others–starting from scratch. Say you have no friends offline, you don’t have anyone in your circle. How do you go about filling your circle? And full for you could be 1 person! Full for you could be 10 people.
Let’s talk about it like this- if you were growing an online presence starting from scratch what would you do? You would probably be following people, engaging with their posts through comments or likes, you’d be posting yourself to help people get to know you. ( i want to point out this is a trap. Okay this is where a lot of people are stuck and i’m going to point out that its because it allows you to stay hidden in a sense you don’t have to put forth as much effort to have a relationship or to maintain one)
Lets apply this to building an offline presence with a non existent circle. You’d want to pay attention to places you already frequent or situations you find yourself in where you could speak up and talk to someone around you but you usually choose not to. For example- i have two little kids so as a mom it’s pretty easy to make friends and find new ones if you’re willing to speak up at the park or at the museum etc. And honestly not everyone you meet will become your friend and you’ll want to exchange numbers with but sometimes you’ll meet someone who you will! I have this experience all the time. And for those of you who the thought of talking to a complete stranger makes you want to not even leave the house at all..I challenge you to get out of your comfort zone! Whats the worst that could happen? Someone doesn’t want to talk to you? Who cares brush that off. OR maybe someone talks to you and they’re obnoxious? Haha then make up an excuse to go a different direction haha
But in all seriousness if you’re building a circle from scratch and you’re trying to connect with people like you- they also arent going to want to be speaking up but one of you has to do it or you’ll stay lonely forever!
In my free community – offline there was a great suggestion from one of our friends in there- She had used Meetup the app to join a couple groups that share her interests where she can connect and get to meet new people. She decided to get herself out of her comfort zone which is so amazing and necessary!
If I were starting from scratch I would do something similar to that. I’d look for groups that shared a similar interest, or i’d attend events, talk to people in the store who looked like we could be friends, and put myself out there a little.
Its scary at first but it gets easier the more you do it. So say you’re going to do this how can you spark conversation? I’d find something around you to use as a conversation starter, or something about them you can compliment, or ask them a question. Try not to overthink or overcomplicate it. Just be yourself and you’ll attract the right people to you.
Now after you’ve started the conversation and if you think you’ve found someone who you could potentially start forming a friendship with- you have to be brave here and ask for their phone number. Ask if they’d like to get together sometime, and tell them that you’re in the process of making new friends just be upfront!
Personal story
A good example of this is one of my friends today- we’ve been friends for coming up on 4 years and its because she moved here to Utah from California during Covid- like so many people did and i was working at the time as a receptionist essentially and she came to the place i was working for a few days to work and she would come and talk to me when she had a question etc and she said hey i just moved here from california- so i’m getting to know people etc and id love to get together sometime can i get you phone number? So we exchanged numbers and she follow up with me later that day!
Which is important. I know you’ll be thinking- what if they think i’m weird, what if they don’t want to be friends etc. i still feel this way! But honestly if you’re asking for their number or vice versa you probably felt a good connection from the start and you’ll know. But if you each out and nothing comes of it that’s okay don’t give up! You’ll find your people or person eventually. I have no doubt about it. The more you put yourself out there the quicker you’ll find them too.
Step 3: Nurturing who you already have
3. Nurturing who you already have, how to establish new kinds of presences with these people after knowing your needs
Let’s talk about how to start showing up differently in the lives of people you already have a relationship with.
If you’re used to seeing updates from someone online who you don’t keep in touch with offline but you’d like to- reach out to make plans to get together to catchup.
Or if you don’t see your friends as much as you’d like to- reach out to them more! Chances are they could feel the same way and they’d like to get in touch with you too. Start showing up for them the way you’d like them to show up for you. That’s huge.
I was at a neighbors gathering a few weeks ago and i talked to this girl who had left social media last year. She told me one of the difficult parts being away was not knowing about things that were going on. She said there was a girl who she ran into who had gotten pregnant and had a baby and she didnt know cause she wasnt online. She was sad about it and shae told the girl she would have loved to come to the shower if she would have known she was having a baby!
But here’s the thing. If she didnt have her phone number or she did and chosen ot to invite her for whatever reason. She is not really a friend offline shes an online friend. Theres a difference! IF you only know about someone’s life because you follow them online. Either you really need to prioritize this nurturing the offline presence or you might really find yourself back at the second step which was starting from zero. And thats ok! But you might have to get brutally honest withy ourself about who your friends actually are and who cares about you and who would want to stay in touch with you offline.
And if you’re worried about inconveniencing people because you’re asking to stay in touch offline through text or calling- its not an inconvenience to the people who care about you okay that shouldnt be a concern!
Let your people know you’re not on social media. People remember that and will share things with you if they care. It’s not an inconvenience. These are just excuses in your own head.
Another important part of nurturing who you already have in a new way is being communicative! Communicate that you’re working on your presence offline and being more present in relationships that matter to you.
Questions to ask your friends
Something that I try to do is ask what can I do to be a good friend to you? What do you need from me right now? You’re going through this- how can i show up for you etc?
That way you can get to know exactly what they’re needing so you can be more present and they might even ask you back so that’s your chance to share as well.
If you want the types of relationships where they call you to facetime you or voice text you out of the blue or often- then do that to them. YOu can’t expect different levels of connection if you don’t put forth the effort and do things differently.
This is a fun step because it allows you to experiment with ways that you feel connected and how you best feel seen and heard by the people you love.
What I prioritize doing is making sure to act on thoughts that i have about a specific person. If you were thinking about them- send a voice text and let them know Call them and let them know!
ANOTHER THING I just was talking to a new friend last week and she was in vegas for a bruno mars concert and she had vip tickets with her husband and she said that they weren’t able to have their phones during one of the experiences. He took their phones and they just had to be there and fully experience the concert. She said that they got to know the people next to them and they’re not sure if they would have otherwise if there wasn’t any other option than to be present.
You guys! If you’re out in public, put down your phone when you’re uncomfortable. Be present with whats going on around you and you’ll see opportunities you maybe wouldn’t have before.
One thing i’m really working on now in my relationships is remembering to followup on previous conversions or important things that my friends told me about when we were last together. Sometimes i do great, other times not so much. Sometimes with the kids being loud playing or crying or screaming in the background its hard to have a full conversation without getting interrupted and the thought getting lost but its something i’m actively working on.
Something im wanting to also add into this year since i’m now done nursing my baby and shes finally sleeping through the night, is going out with one friend for a late night dessert well since i’m off sugar this year not dessert but a snack or a drive or a walk when the weather is warm or something!
Making time to get together with just one friend when the kids aren’t with us is helpful in building the relationship even further for sure.
What i’m personally focusing on
Another thing i’m going to step up this year is my relationships with my sisters. Honestly i’m closer with my friends than i am my sisters in a lot of ways and thats partly because of the lifestyles and different seasons my sisters and i are in plus location. But that’s just an excuse! I love them and i need to prioritize showing up better for them and nourishing those relationships because they matter a lot to me.
So SHOW UP for the people you want to nourish, be active in their lives and start exemplifying the way you’d want them to show up for you.
Lastly let’s set up some expectations for yourself moving forward. What are you going to do to grow your offline presence with others? Heres a recap of what we discussed today so you can decide where you want to begin.
Recap
Today we talked about:
- Understanding your social needs individually.
- Starting from scratch, how to fill your circle whether that’s small or big
- Nurturing who you already have, how to establish new kinds of presences with these people after knowing your needs(have deep, uncomfortable conversations. Ask how you can show up? Tell them what you need and what you’re looking for
SO i challenge you to leave today with plans to get to know yourself. To understand your social needs with others individually.
Then to start building your circle from scratch if thats where you’re at or to start nurturing and showing up how you want others to show up for you! It’s really that simple and guess what? Once you start showing up offline you might lose a few friends. You might connect with people who don’t reciprocate the level of interest in being friends and that’s okay. You don’ t have to hold on to everyone It’s okay to have a small close circle. Or a big one! IT’s up to you what you want what you personally need and the effort you’re willing to put forward to foster these types of relationships.
BUt one things remains you must be present offline in the relationship in order to reach new levels of connection. More fulfilling, lasting, enjoyable, authentic connection.
Thanks for being here today I hope you’re ready to take action on growing your offline presence today! There’s much to do but don’t overwhelm yourself. This is a marathon not a sprint. I’m working on this actively and will continue to my whole life. And id love to be able to support you along your way, if you’re not already with us be sure yo jin my free community offline so we can encourage you and keep you inspired on your journey toward embracing life offline. You can join us HERE. Hope to see you on the inside!
Have a wonderful week and i’ll catch you soon!
xx
Carly
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